Disparate and Being

They say that as humans we are set up to need, to want, to crave – emotional states. Thats part of how we’ve survived.. how love is derived..  How we stay so intertwined.

We are addicted to emotional states of being.  How much do you create your own emotional state?  How much does someone else bring that to you?  How do you know which one from the other?

Where does the dream begin? Do you share the same dream with him?

Or are you appearing in other people’s sense of reality that you will never feel, nor taste, nor make.  Never real for you?

I reel in this predicament.  I feel resentful of this disparate play.  To play out roles in other people’s heads that I am not in.  They create me.  My entrance and exit, my soliloquy, my rise and my lasting regrets.  And then I feel the consequence. They feed the character I play – with their own script, sound clips and visual angles.  The tensions and subtext, of which I never felt, persists within them - within their head, within their heart.

And who am I to say that it is not real? – for them?  Am I not real for them?

Okay I was on the scene.  I showed up that day. I had lines and feelings to offer.  I walked beside you and we spoke, but you heard other words, mostly your own.  I looked in your eyes and you saw someone else, thought you caught something.. of yourself, but I had sent nothing your way as I flew, landed and left feeling funny and running away.

And all this could happen – to you reading this now, to me looking at you – imagining the one that’s lifting these words off this page in a familiar voice inside your head, my words now yours,  

So I ask…                                                                                                                                 “Are we in the same dream?”  “The same movie, the same script?”

Just checking..

Don’t need an answer.  But thanks. Good to know,  for now.

(NYC Chronicles #7)

Posted: April 15th, 2008 under my poetry, my thoughts, NY Chronicles.
Comments: 1

Beginnings and endings and everything that takes place in between all come together at the same intersection. The active journey, the ACT OF JOURNEY.All collide in arrival and departure and flight.I am pursuing my destiny, my dreams.  I’ve been preparing for some time and now — I’m no my way to JFK.  New York city.Valentine’s Day 2008Filled with hope and excitement from within myself and from the wellspring of those who infuse my life – those who believe in me and the act of journey.I seek only the prize of growth and experience and innerconnections with the lovely human forms.What is life about more than following this bliss.Many shared words, eyes in eyes, a coin, Queenie’s hair, all the support of family and friends – I feel blessed, loved.  And the yeast and sugar are co-mingling, conspiring such a loaf of bread to rise!!This earth is so beautiful and I think of all my relations.  I feel what I’m doing is not just from me, my motives, but an extension of so many other hearts.  All the little ones are in this too.  My mom was so sweet when dropping me off, dad too.  Brennan, Jeremy, Colin and Zhenya, Cy, Maui, Jen, Jamie, Raina, Hannah & Family, Malia, Diana, Nejat & Family. I really hope that the one that’s part of my soul – the part of me I left behind finds his way – toward the light, towards mental health and healing.  That’s where his happiness lies.   The universe will take care of everything and all.  ”YOUR LIFE IS AN OCCASION – RISE TO IT!”Up, up and away!! 

Posted: February 14th, 2008 under my thoughts, Uncategorized.
Comments: 1

LIFE MIRRORS ART - MIRRORS LIFE. What am I holding on to?  Is it the role I’ve been playing in life? Or the one that emulates it on stage?  I have been trotting along — at a good pace, moving forward, totally engaged in my own momentum to ‘get shit done’ and tie loose ends and ride the waves of creative surges.  Preparing myself to plunge into the uknown in a graceful flourish – ‘here i go!!’  To fly away on Valentine’s Day, begin my quest for a new life, for love.   But then,  something hooks me and I remain open for something — down the line, to repeat?  Am I not finished with these loops in my life? What is it that I have not learned?  If I am not aware I will repeat my patterns no matter where I am and who I’m with. You keep repeating patterns if you don’t grow beyond them.  So, what draws me back in…?  Even if its just a theatrical rendition of my life — why do it?  Will it be different once I am different –  is it catharsis or part of the growth or can I bring to it the truth that lives in me from having lived that role?  And in playing that part — will I then be drawn to re-live it? 

Posted: January 28th, 2008 under my thoughts.
Comments: 1

Winter 2008 Letting Go.  Battles and Triumphs.  The Holidays were about family and friends..  Then I struggled with Tonsilitis.  Next I faced dark forces at one of my jobs. But in the face of that – discovered solidarity amongst my peers – it was frightening, exhilarating and empowering all at the same time.   My best friend’s father passed away and I sang as thoughts of him were cast upon the bay.  Two other friends lost a parent each.. and my battle was yet to come.    This last Sunday, my dog Queenie (17 yrs old), a beautiful husky/australian shepard mix – started to seizure.  Thursday -my ex Victor, his girlfriend Jena and myself had to put her down.  It was one of the hardest days of my life.  She was an intricate part of my soul.  I miss her every day.  I hope she has begun a new life in some other way.  I love her very much. (There is a photo of her in my gallery).  Death dances around and between us letting us know this life is fragile and precious.  I am happy to have connected with all beings in my life.. and to be able to create music.  Recently I’ve been collaborating with my bro Brennan.  And in two weeks I jet off to N.Y. to create my destiny.  Endings and beginnings, all beautiful and frayed, delicate and resilient, simple and complex, and dear to my heart.  The heart breaks, the tears fall and the heart beats again – stronger.

Posted: January 28th, 2008 under my thoughts.
Comments: none

Tonight is Hogmanay, the holiday began by the Scots, celebrating the transition from one calendar year to the next.  A week ago was the Winter Solstice.   From the Yule tree to the fire, candles lit in memorium, musical journeys on the santoor, the warmth of a friend’s hug – to the sun setting into the ocean, prayers in the heat of a lodge, warm mulled wine and winter squash soup..  Silence, words, remembrance.  My grandmother was born on Dec. 31 at midnight.  When her mother was asked which date shall be her daughter’s birthdate – she answered, “On the date when I did all the work..”  My great grandmother, who lived to 103 yrs. old was born on New Years Day. Two birthdays, ancesters born at this time. At this time two close friends are losing a parent (each).  My heart goes out to them. There IS beauty everywhere.  And in each day.  Each breath.  Love those you love - now.   Love yourself.  Live out your dreams.  This world is quivering at the excitement of you, eagerly anticipating all you can do.  This year will be the year of ‘doin the damn thing’, as a good friend once said.  A year of action, new beginnings, following through, creating one’s destiny..   Carpe dium to all!  Be the peace you wish to see.

Posted: December 31st, 2007 under my thoughts, Uncategorized.
Comments: none